It’s a trap!

Its a trap!

Does your relationship have certain activities or topics that you recognize as traps that are sure to lead to arguments? Not too long ago, my wife and I realized that our marriage is full of them. Just identifying the trap as a couple can make navigating it easier. For a Words of Affirmation (WoA) spouse, a few harsh words during one of these activities you know to be difficult can really set things off.

Here’s a tip:

1. Identify that the activity you’re about to begin is a trap you’ve fallen into as a couple before.
2. Pre-load your spouse with some positive words before you begin the activity.
3. Ask for grace as you begin the activity so they know there are possible pitfalls or words that may be used that do not reflect on their character or your love for them.
4. Thank them when the task is complete and praise them for their part in it.

Bonus tip:

If the activity you are about to engage in is such a powder keg issue in your marriage and you simply cannot do it without using negative words coming out of your mouth and hitting your spouse as collateral damage of the task at hand, try to plan it for when they are not present. If you need help, ask someone else and save your relationship.

Our Example

We recently did some tile work in our kitchen. After 20 years together we know that home repair and remodeling is a powder keg ready to blow. I rarely use kind words in the process and frequently use negative words. There are some tasks during the process I just know are going to cause this issue. One of them is caulking. Not once in 20 years has this not caused an argument. Here’s how I approached it this time:

1. We prayed before the caulking job. I identified it for the difficult thing it was in front of the whole family and asked for God’s help as well as my wife’s help.

1. I thanked my wife for her work so far on the project and said how impressed I was with her work and the progress we made on the tile. I praised and appreciated her.

1. This was part of my prayer but I also asked my wife for grace as I started this phase of the project. I reassured her that there could be raised voices and possible foul language used but that I didn’t want her to think it was her to blame or that I loved or appreciated her less.

1. Ultimately, this issue was so hot that I decided to wait and proceed while she had left the house for an errand. It was a one person job and I didn’t really need her help and it wasn’t worth risking a fight and the damage that would cause.

1. I thanked her when it was over for giving me the space I needed and not being defensive or hurt during the process of completing the caulking. I said I was proud of us for navigating this issue and that I appreciated all of her help on the other parts of the task.

What activities are out there in your marriage that are sure to start a fight with your WoA spouse? Backing a trailer? Wrapping Christmas presents? Visiting the inlaws? Caulking the tile? Hanging wallpaper?

Give this a try next time and let me know how it goes!

From the Positive Energy+ Facebook account, I think this captures the “Why”: