Here’s a tip: If your Words of Affirmation (WoA) spouse is really good and supportive of you with their words in a particular area of life, be doubly sure to observe and reciprocate in those areas in their life.
Today’s example…
Last week I had some unfounded anxiety about an event I was going to attend. I had let it get into my head and got all sorts of worked up about it. Thankfully my WoA wife very calmly talked me off the ledge. She acknowledged my feelings of anxiety and voiced understanding. She put things in perspective by coming at it from a “what’s the worst thing that could happen?” approach. She hugged me and prayed for me and sent me out the door confidently on my way to the event. As it turns out, it was a huge success.
Unfortunately, I didn’t pay enough attention to how she approached the situation. This morning, I had the opportunity to reciprocate. She was feeling anxious about a tight flight connection. It got in her head and she actually lost sleep over it. When I should have had the recent memory of her techniques to use affirming words to talk her out of the stress, I took a rather opposite approach. 1) I said she was worrying about something that hadn’t happened yet. 2) I invalidated her concern by saying that travel agents don’t book you on connections that are too tight (so it must be okay). 3) When she was looking for support for her to change the flight, I encouraged her to drop it and not give in to her fear. All the while, I had a bit of an off putting smug attitude about the whole thing. I totally blew it (again)!
What I should have done was follow her lead. In her anxiety I should have calmly and with affirming words acknowledged her feelings, voiced understanding, put things in perspective, hugged her, and prayed for her. I should have ultimately supported her in simply changing the flight (I really had no reason to fight her on it). In retrospect I could have calmly said something like: “Dear, I know you’re feeling anxious about this tight connection. If it helps to change the flight to give yourself a little more time, I support you.”
It’s so hard for me to see that in the moment. This is why this community exists.
How do you do this?