In a previous post I shared how certain tasks in a relationship can be challenging (traps). I also suggested a few tips for facing those challenges without offending your spouse whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation (WoA). Today I want to share another situation that can come up that is high stakes: special occasion traps.
An example I have encountered in the last couple of months was decorating our home for Christmas. This is a task I typically dread. It puts me in a bad mood. I pretty much have the exact opposite of the Christmas spirit and those feelings overflow into my attitudes and words.
This year I tried a couple things and met with some success so I have a few tips to share:
- Identify the trap! Step 1 is to know those situations where you’re likely to encounter these feelings. This can be hard but the good news is that your WoA spouse is an expert in when you misstep and will likely be able to help very handily!
- Streamline the task. Try to set yourself up for success. This year we reduced the number of decorations so that it could be done in just half a day. We spent an hour on the outside of our home and a few hours on the inside. We eliminated excess decorations that did not bring us joy but we’re putting up every year just because we always had.
- Enlist other help. This year my 10 year old son helped put away the outdoor decorations. Sometimes it’s easier (for me at least) to refrain from complaints or criticism when I have someone other than my spouse helping.
- Leave yourself a reminder. I hate putting up Christmas lights. It’s always cold, usually wet, mostly dark out, and half of the stuff from last year doesn’t work anymore. This year I packed a note in the box with our lights that I’ll find next year and remind myself to use kind words and that it’s all about the Christmas spirit and not worth having a fight with my spouse.
- Reward yourself for a job well done! Sometimes it’s nice to dangle a carrot out in front of you to provide an extra bit of motivation. In my note to myself next year, I included that once the lights are up without using harsh words, I should treat myself to a winter ale, a hot cocoa, or a Christmas cookie. Just something to keep my eye on the prize.
I hope this helps! What situations can you identify as “traps” in your relationship and what can you do to streamline, enlist help, remind, and reward yourself? Let me know in the comments!