Educate
Educate yourself. If you’ve found yourself here, congratulations, you’re already well on your way! Read up on your partner’s love language: Words of Affirmation. Know what it means, how it makes them feel loved, and why it’s important to speak it. Know your own love language and understand the difficulty in speaking in a language that doesn’t resonate or come naturally to you. Educate yourself about your particular partner (not every WoA speaker is the same). What words do they need to hear, about what topics, and when? What words (or lack of words) take the wind out of their sails? Be a student of your partner.
Apologize
For not speaking their language as well as you could for as long as you have.
An example might be: “Hey sweetie, I apologize for not recognizing how important words are to you. I know I could have been doing a better job of this ever since we met. I can’t change the past but I’d like to do better now. I love you. Will you forgive me?
Ask
Ask for grace and the permission to try (even if it’s imperfect and you get it wrong at first). Use words, positive words, when you are doing this.
An example might be: “Hey sweetie, do you have a minute to talk about something I’ve been thinking about lately? You know what? You are amazing. I am glad to be with you. I’ve become aware that your love language is words of affirmation and I don’t speak that language very well. I know to strengthen our relationship I can do better at it. I am going to try. I just want to let you know that I’m working on improving. I won’t get it right at first but one thing you could help me with is giving me some grace as I figure out how to do better. If I don’t get it right, be gentle, I’m working on it. I’ll check in with you to see how I’m doing from time to time.”
Fill
Fill up their love tank. The first two steps, if done right, will give you a jump start on this but you’ll want to make an emergency run to the gas station to fill up your partner’s tank right away. Most couples who find themselves at this point are here because one or the other (or both) has an empty love tank. If we’re going to make progress, we need to unselfishly fill up our partner’s love tank. It’s a good faith show of commitment to the effort to speak their language. For a spouse who speaks words of affirmation, this means speaking affirming words to them once or twice a day. Don’t mention how empty your tank may be. This isn’t a business transaction or a deal that says if you do X, I’ll do Y. Love means filling someone else’s tank without expectation of the favor being returned. I know, it’s hard! This should take a solid week (or more) of daily affirming words for the change to be noticed by your WoA spouse.
Do No Harm
Take the Hippocratic Oath: “first, do no harm.” Know the hot button, tank draining words you use and stop using them. Know the potholes you step in all the time and stop repeating past behaviors (for example , mine was dinner). Be aware of the soft start up. Be careful that your valid complaints don’t turn into criticism or progress into contempt. As my mom taught us: “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Increase your positive Words of Affirmation
Now’s the hard part: You’re going to have to learn to speak a new language. This takes time and hard work. Consider this blog your Rosetta Stone for your partner’s words of affirmation love language. Although there are tools/tips/tricks, it’s not easy (if it was, you’d already be doing it). You need to start working out some muscles you’ve never used before. Those new muscles will get sore. Ditch any resentment. Form new habits.
Repeat
Repeat these steps as often as necessary. You won’t get it right at first. You may need to re-start many times. Get better each time. Go deeper each time. Use more advanced tools each time. Through repetition, build healthy habits. Before you know it, speaking words of affirmation to your spouse will start to become a more natural and part of your daily life. When it does, pass along these baby steps to someone else who could use them!