With a spouse who’s Love Language is “Words of Affirmation,” criticism is basically the opposite. When criticized, my wife shuts down and subtracts any points I’ve earned for speaking words of affirmation to her.
While reading Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Although acts of service doesn’t do much for my wife, Chapman’s chapter included this: “My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love.”
This hit me like a bolt of lightning! Not only am I using criticism (the opposite of her love language), but I’m also undermining mine by using critical words to try to fulfill mine!
My new mission:
1) Recognize that my critical words may actually be a cry, by me, for her to meet my love language.
2)Reword these criticisms with “I” statements she can respond to.
I can easily see that doing this will not tear down my spouse but also give her an opportunity to address my unmet need at the same time! Win-win!
PS- For extra credit, I’m going to listen careful for those rare times my wife is critical of me to listen for her unmet needs hiding there as well.