This article: https://www.popsugar.com/moms/Bad-Fight-Front-Your-Kids-45571806 brings up some classic points about the words spouse’s use during fights. In this context it’s in front of the kids but the same holds true without kids.
Specifically for fighting with the spouse who has Words of Affirmation as their Love Language , words used during disagreements are very important! If done wrong, these words are the exact opposite of their Love Language ! They can also be seen as a personal attack.
These are the 10 tips I gleaned from this article:
- Don’t use words that are rude or disrespectful.
- Disagree without being mean
- Ask yourself “Is the goal to win, or to gain a better understanding of the other person’s perspective?” Hopefully we strive for the latter.
- “Assert your position without criticizing the other person.” (More on criticizing versus complaining in another post- there is a difference!!)
- “Steer clear of behavior that expresses contempt for your partner, like eye rolling and dismissive comments such as, “Only an idiot would think that.” (More on contemptuous language in a future post.)
- “No belittling that person or their ideas.”
- “Avoid using sarcasm.”
- “Listen to understand, not to refute and provide validation for what you hear.”
- Use “I” statements! They suggest “I understand why you feel that way, I understand how that could make you angry, or I understand why that’s important to you.”
- “Take a time out.” And “return to the topic later once you’ve calmed down.”